My Journey Through Dating Apps

TURNING FROM AN INTROVERT TO AN AMBIVERT: Dating apps as a Nudge 

Enter the 4th technological revolution with high-speed internet, cheap smartphones and applications. I was introduced to the world of dating apps around five years ago. I have been using these apps at regular intervals ever since. Bumble and Hinge are my favourite, thanks to their interface. But one cannot escape the wrath of Tinder since it is the most popular app and has the most number of users. So even though I dislike their user interface, I cannot escape using it.

Dating apps allowed the introverted person in me to approach the opposite sex without having to talk to them directly. One could wear the garb of the virtual world and just talk through texts for the initial few days. 5 years later after being on numerous dates and having fun-filled conversations without jitters, I have overcome a great deal of my fear regarding personal interactions. The person who once labelled himself as an introvert now calls himself an ambivert. I can see the introduction of dating apps as a ‘nudge’ in my life journey because it altered my behavior in a predictable way without forbidding other options of being an ambivert or significantly changing economic incentives. The nudge was cheap and easy to avoid and was never a mandate from someone. 

Explicitly speaking since pictures are a mainstay in these dating apps, my conventional acceptable facial structure puts me at an advantage in getting these matches. I am aware of my privilege. Do the bios play a part? I guess not really, especially in the small town where I come from (although this is just an observation and I would not like to generalize). Since the majority of my matches never seem to talk about my bio or I might have not swiped on the right person as yet. 

A PEEK INTO DATING IN SMALL TOWNS AND LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS: WAS SAPOLSKY RIGHT ON THE MUSCLED MAN AND THE STABLE MAN? 

Robert Sapolsky in his second ‘Human Behavioral Biology' lecture talks about the idea of females preferring muscled men in terms of intimacy. While in the longer term they prefer someone who is likely to look after their children, even if they leave. I know Sapolsky would truncate these ideas going forward but I was thinking in terms of dating through comparison between small cities and big cities. In tier 2 cities I have observed the phenomena of quite a number of girls writing in their profile that they are ‘not here for hookups’. I have also spoken to a lot of them and most of them were of the opinion that they had a bad experience on dating apps as most of the men were there for hookups and they were looking for a long-term relationship. So do they justify Sapolsky's words in terms that they are looking for a stable long-term relationship with someone who could care for their children even if they leave. Does it reflect the societal values of a small-town family? where mostly long-term relationships are preferred. 

PUNNING THROUGH A VIRTUAL CONVERSATION: The Usage of Puns as a Nudge in Dating Apps 

When I match with a person, the conversation usually remains within the scope of basic enquiries regarding their life. This framework of conversation has to be maintained with almost all the people that I match with until we agree to meet with each other in person. I also have to mention the fact that I am not really well equipped with the skill of texting. It tends to make me anxious and I am someone who likes meeting people in person. Now what I do in terms of conversation is that I don't get anxious and I can take the equation forward with the other person until I meet them. I started using a lot of puns. The introduction of humor helped me elevate the conversation to a new level. I never thought of myself as a funny kid. Playing the pun game helped me improve my humor in the long term. My friends tell me that I have changed in terms of my humor. I see the usage of puns as a ‘nudge' because it altered my behavior in a positive way as I was not very anxious with conversations over text on dating apps. The nudge altered my behavior in a predictable way without forbidding other options of making texting interesting or significantly changing economic incentives. The nudge was cheap and easy to avoid. 

ON PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS AND THE PLAYOUT OF JUST WORLD HYPOTHESIS AND PESSIMISM BIAS: 

My previous relationships have not lasted for a long time. I tend to question myself now and then whether the equation with the other person I met through a dating app lasts for a long time. I see the playing out of ‘just world hypothesis’ here. Since my previous relationships did not last long, I morally believe and I am always in a fear that my succeeding relationships would not last for a long time as well. Also I see ‘pessimism bias’ playing out here since I seem to anticipate that all my dates would last only for the short term and not long term. Added to it dating apps have a certain stigma attached to them of only being there for short term relationships. 

A SHIFT IN VIEW ON HOW I PERCEIVED RELATIONSHIPS: How I Ignored my Liberal Education and Favored the Dating Apps

Coming from a small town, I thought that only monogamous relationships were successfully influenced by societal values. Having used dating apps and talking to multiple people at a time has shifted my perception of relationships. Dating apps have transformed my perception of how I viewed relationships from the single focal lens of monogamy. 

I am after all a product of years and years of social conditioning. I have constantly questioned whether it is morally and ethically appropriate in the long term to not be a monogamous person. How would one navigate a small-town society in India that only believes in monogamy, if one decides to stay back in his/her hometown? I see the playing out of ‘salience bias’ here because I focused only on the influence of dating apps to change my view on relationships. Also since it is because I see the dating app as a tangible object, which can be seen in the form of an application. My several years of liberal education in Delhi, the influence of a liberal university, and my friends and teachers are something which is abstractly present in my head. So, I guess I tend to neglect such abstract ideological standpoints at the moment.. Although I know they are as prominent in shaping my liberal views. 

ON THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF DATING APPS AND THE PLAYOUT OF ‘OPTIMISM BIAS’ 

My journey through dating apps had many bad days as well but I have only highlighted the positive aspects and ignored the negative. I see the playing out of ‘optimism bias’ here where I overestimated my positive experience and downplayed my negative experiences through these apps. But maybe that calls for another POV on another day. 

Happy Dating Folks!